There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
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Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
thanksgiving should be called feaster
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut