me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
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In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.