birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
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6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
jesus, what did this guy do
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.