if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
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Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.