The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
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[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.