*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
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@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit