I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
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NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Weighing up my bread heating options
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??