Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
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You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Seems kinda suspicious
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.