What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”