When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
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Oceanography is all about current events
beware of dog
(jukin media)
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.