I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
You Might Also Like
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
What the hell happened here.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
There is no try. There is only give up.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?