biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
You Might Also Like
Never be a pizza!
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?