An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
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Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Dear Lord..
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.