Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
You Might Also Like
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
? 💀
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit