🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
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50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”