This guy gets it.
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[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I love twitter
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.