My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
You Might Also Like
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time