“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
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When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Eggs benadryl my favourite
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet