It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
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If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
everyone has that one prude friend
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall