Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.