“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
You Might Also Like
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
My blood type is b hungry.
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*