One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
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Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
happy mother’s day❤️
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”