You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
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Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
seems like a niche market
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.