If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
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My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
opening a flower shop called women in stem
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*