“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
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Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.