I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
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Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Covid like
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.