I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
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[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
PER MY LAST EMAIL
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.