People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
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Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
this could fix me
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
All excellent questions
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.