I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
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[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
#have a #great #PancakeDay
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
OH. COME. ON.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
He a real one for that
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.