If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
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We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
She puts the hot in psychotic
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.