JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
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My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
Namaste
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Happy Caturday!
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
My Guy
estão todos miauvindo?
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.