[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
You Might Also Like
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.