Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
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me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
scrabbled eggs