cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
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killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
😂😂😂
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*