Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
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{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.