A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
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Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
new shirt idea
live long and prosper!
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Lmfao
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.