me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
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Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST