I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
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Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Intelligence is the new cleavage
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.