Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
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Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
finally
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting