People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
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Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.