Autocorrect completely socks
You Might Also Like
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.