HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
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after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
When you’ve simply given up.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere