Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
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PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
That lamp looks PISSED.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”