*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
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Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
I had to Stop for this
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.