Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
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I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.