When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
look at me when i’m typing to you
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts