Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
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Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.