3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
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I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee