I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
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I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.