Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
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My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.